An odd day today–a day I’ve been dreading for the past week or more. Had to have a tooth extracted, and the darn thing broke completely above the gum line. I had visions of doc digging into the gum, me writhing in pain, yada yada. Instead, the problem was numbing me. What should have been done in about three injections and half an hour took eight injections and almost an hour. The actual extraction took about 90 seconds!
So naturally I got to thinking about the numbing process and why I’m so difficult to numb. Being who I am, I turned it into a grand psychological mystery–why can’t Tone be numbed? The logical answer might be because I’m diabetic, on too much medication, or any other number of acceptable medical reasons.
Truth be told, the numbing is all about one thing—feeling. Stopping me from feeling.
If I had to identify the one character trait of mine that is the most negative and intense, it’s that I feel too much. That gets me into trouble constantly. Several people know me for my anger, and understandably so. They’ve seen me at my worst, but few have asked why. So I’m doing that for myself. I believe it’s important to know the “why” of our emotions, whether they’re just the simple reactions we have to people or events, or deep feelings of love or hate. My shrink and I talk a lot about the origin of these extreme emotions in me. It’s one reason I spend so much time thinking or writing about family—my ancestors. Who did I come from? What of theirs do I possess? How do I use it? Am I using it properly?
Those emotions are also the basis for every character I’ve created in my stories. Things I want to be come alive in the sexy lady who controls her world, the criminal guy who says “screw the rules,” the performer whose voice makes her audience sigh, the magical old woman who brings rainbow colors into a child’s life, the warm and funny woman who triggers kindness, the bitch who seeks revenge, and the superhero who fights injustice.
One thing I know for sure, no amount of Lidocaine can numb this woman’s feelings, as evidenced earlier in that dental chair. Those feelings are imbedded into the ‘who’ of me, and without them my need for words wouldn’t exist. I know people who are numb to their feelings, unable to see joy or hope or kindness or love or evil in themselves or in others. How dreary their lives must be.
Thankfully, I have the passion to love or to hate and express it through my Words. Those Words spoken or written may sometimes offend, but they are my beliefs based on my experiences and the ‘who’ of me. Writing has saved me so many times from my own disappointments in myself by allowing me to express ALL the good and ALL the bad that I possess. We all need outlets. I can’t deck all the people I’d like to deck, or hug everyone who means something special to me. So I’ll continue to expound, hopefully learn to control, but always try to put those feelings forward honestly. Right or wrong, no one can numb my feelings.